Nuttin, nada

One week has passed while I started with hormones.

First the pills were just laying there. I never doubted that I really want this, but it is such a life changing decision that you surely have some thoughts going trough your mind. I did worry. How will it work, will it even work? Will it have negative side effects?

So far.. nothing, nada. When you read online about hormones you read drastic side effects. Everything changes, almost instantly! Like a magic pill but a little different. Maybe there are changes but how do I know whether my emotions are acting up, or if the HRT is doing some work?

The only real noticeable point is that I feel calmer. That constant stressful feeling in my stomach seems to have mostly disappeared and now I got moments where I can really just relax. Honestly, I never could do that.

All with all, of course only a week has passed but so far I feel little to nothing. If someone had given me hormones in secret, I wouldn't even have known.

Alright! One week has passed! The full results are usually there around two years. Patience.. patience..

Drama aside

Alright, sure, a full-time job would be nice and everyone already seeing me as a woman that would be awesome too. One step at a time and a huge step luckily just been taken :D!

After two years of waiting to even start with therapy, going to London for a while, talking with someone once a month for a year and oversleeping when I finally could get my hormones (I only oversleep when I really, really shouldn't. Like when I have to catch the train from London to the Netherlands, when starting with hormones or what else might comes in the future). I finally could come in and get my hormones.

Of course plenty happens other than just picking up some medicines. I wasn't allowed to eat or drink (except water) till 1pm. Followed by having seven tubes of blood tapped from me. I never been so happy to eat some bread.

A lot of forms to fill in and questions to answer. Measurements were taken. I now finally know I am 188cm tall instead of 187, 190 or maybe 191 and someone was so friendly to help me out with how I officially can change my gender and name, which is awesome ^^.

The 4th of December will be the day I am starting with hormones and I am excited and nervous at the same time.

As time goes

Let me write something down, which I know no one ever reads anyway. Yup, the blog was shared on Facebook and I am glad but I got the feeling not many got to the point to actually read it.

That can be good, actually, but it is also hard to reach people. Speaking my mind, without destroying the mood. I still struggle with the way how people pronounce me but I feel bad constantly opening my mouth about it. It ruins the mood so I rather just only ruin my own and that it does.

That is the thing. I can pretend it all isn't that bad, but I would be lying. Why would I lie on my own blog?

If you look at, as an example, gay people. Wherever you go the word 'Gay' usually means a negative thing. What a gay situation, don't act so gay, that is so gay. Gay men often feel offended by this but because the majority of the people do this it is hard to make it disappear, and many don't realize how hurting it can be either, even if they do not have anything against gay people.

Back at high school it was a trend for all the 'cool' kids to add cancer in their sentences. Cancer this, cancer that. The majority did this so the others quickly took over. Till a boy lost his mother because of cancer and everyone realized how they broke him every time they said the word. In a really short time that word was forced out of their system because they knew how hurting it was to him.

The other day I was at a party of a friend of mine. I do not know if she told her friends anything about me but if anything, I trust her and whatever it was or nothing, I felt it was fine. I felt no urge of having to prove myself and went there feeling I could just be me. There everyone addressed me as a woman and also acted in such a way to me. No awkwardness giving a hug and me not feeling the slightly bit insecure about dancing. I could just be me and the party was awesome. The one time a guy addressed me with he, he quickly changed that to she. Because the majority said she and thus others take over.

If you lived your whole life as a guy then it isn't a weird thing the majority sees you as one and needs time to remove it from the system. But then again, also because many do not see how much it is needed.

It isn't like it wasn't a problem before. It isn't like I wanted to be a guy at first and just now feel the need to life differently. It is that I just never realized till only recently that I can make the change. I hated it I was told that boys don't cry. Boys need to toughen up. Make-up is wrong and being tall is good because the girls like that. Working out at the gym and having your body change is awesome and everyone acted so positive about it. When my hair was too long, I should trim it because it didn't suit me. I didn't wanted to disappoint anyone.. but it has always bothered me. It isn't without reason that I started to get migraines, or that I always felt stressful inside, or that I couldn't cry or know how to deal with emotions. Whenever it came to close I quickly pushed it away again.

Everything was cropped inside, and now I let it out. I allow myself to feel hurt about what hurts me and instead of running from it I face it and change it, but with that also comes it is easier to hurt me.

I wish I could just switch that off, but I can't. It doesn't change how I feel about someone. As an example my sister has always called me her little brother. I know she has not a single thought of harm behind that and whenever something troubles me, I easily talk with her about it. But it does sting to hear just that. I don't want to force a change but I cannot wait for that much longer anymore either.

Give it a name

Gosh, so many terms, so many theories and no one really seems to know what is what. You wanted to know what is what? Here is your own documentary!

First things first though. Everything written down is from what I read in the past and personal experience. I did not keep wikipedia right next of it and even although most terms speak for themselves, a lot are opinion based also.

Lets start with the most common one. No, you probably never heard of it. But where everyone might has their own name for people like me; weird, unique, trans, travo, cross-dresser, gay. We also got a name for you. You... probably cis gendered person.

Cis is just another way of naming the usual/normal way. Born in a certain gender and identity and comfortable with it. Just when you talk about transgenders and 'normal/usual' people, it can be considered as pretty rude. So we use the term, Cis.

Someone who is Cis can be gay, lesbian, bi, or pansexual.

Gay, you feel attracted to a male identity and most likely male sex.

Lesbian, attracted to a female identity and most likely female sex.

Bisexual means you feel attracted to both men and women while as Pansexual means the same but then it really doesn't matter if someone has a male or female sex, identity, unisex, queer, or whatever other names are out there. Pansexual means you feel attracted really purely for who someone is as a person.

But wait! You also got straight! And that rhymed, cheesy. Anyhow, straight can also still be confusing. If you consider yourself to be a little bit more open minded and agree that your gender is not between the legs but in the brains, are you considered gay when with a pre-op (before sexual reassignment surgery) male to female transgender? You can fill in for yourself when someone is considered straight.

Personally I see straight as when you have a clear preference to the opposite gender and do not bend far from that. No matter what you look like, how you act, if you wear certain clothes or if you like to experiment in bed.

These are all sexualities and transgender is often mistaken with a sexuality. Well, it is not. A transgender can have any of the above sexualities and is the same as a Cis-gendered person. The only difference is that a transgender does not feel comfortable with their born sex and the identity they have to live with.

Although, transgender still can be split up in many different branches. Now, don't get me wrong. In most cases a transgender is not happy at all to be called a drag-queen, travestite, or anything non gender specified. But in many cases someone decides not to transition, but to live their life the way their were born, and only let out their feelings every once in a while.

For the one it is a let-out, the other it is an enjoyable, creative act. A travestite is basically a dressed up man looking like a woman. Drag-queens take it a step further and often wear heavy make-up. Drag-queens are in most cases men dressing up as women. You also have Drag-kings. The other way around. This although is far less common.

The more innocent shape and form of the above two goes by the term cross-dresser. Of course it can't just be simple because even this is opinion related. When you wear clothes of your opposite identity, then you cross-dress. Then again, an, as an example, female to male transgender who still presents as female, is basically cross-dressing. But to keep it simple, a man wearing female clothes and the other way around, is a cross-dresser.

If you take that a bit further to the perverted side, you get sissies. Each their own really but lets not talk too long about it because it is so not my thing..at all. Men who read this and in their spare time enjoy wearing as slutty clothes as possible with high heels for sexual arousal, are sissies. But yea, each their own!

Because in general the sex industry is focussed on men it is easier to find something related to their needs. It is said many men do watch gay porn and there are ones who cannot fully open to that desire and seek it elsewhere. Searching for she-males. She-male is basically a direct insult and the porn version of a transgender.

Each their own, but if you want to come across with a she-male it is best to go to Thailand. Tell a transgender it is a plus and you most likely insult them.

All those genders.. sexualities, it is complicated. Even while writing this I am confusing myself. Like.. straight. I know I am straight, and since my identity is female, that means I feel attracted to men. Then again, at the moment I am still a biological man. But, then again! If I were a biological male wouldn't my brain also function like one? Wait.. what.. stop. Not even going there. Confusing.

Just be open minded and straight-flexible, or pansexual. There! Problem solved.

Anyway! There are also people who do not fit a label. Unisex or androgynous. The latter is mostly used because unisex is also used for objects. Nowadays androgynous is very well known in the world of photography and fashion.

Now someone can live androgynous and have no gender identity, wearing either kind of clothes and in many cases you can't tall if you got a man or woman in front of you. Many young children are in fact androgynous. Let a young boy grow his hair long and especially with his young voice he will be often seen as a girl and the opposite a girl can have short hair for the same results.

Usually the way of addressing isn't such a big deal. Or it is but at this point of life not big enough to mention. As for me I noticed that even though I hadn't told it yet, I disliked being called a dude, man or even when someone spoke about me as a he. But even now in front of people I know I feel uneasy referring myself with she. Instead of either genders I learned you can also talk without ever mentioning a gender. Just don't add the gender at the end of your sentences and instead of saying he or she, say their or simply the persons name.

Some people would love you for that actually. Gender-queers are often androgynous but one day they feel more feminine, the other more masculine. One day they are a he the other time a she but the queers I spoke with before often are not a fan of any and prefer 'their'.

Oh, and some might confuse unisex and transgenders with hermaphrodites. A hermaphrodite was born with both a male and female sex and thus is a whole different story. Cis but not exactly Cis. Not transgender either and well.. I don't know. You just learned a lot new terms so you can fill it in for yourself.

Again, the above is what I read before and my opinions. Not everyone sees it this way which I understand. Does it really matter anyway? Just ask someone in a respectful way what they prefer if you do not know already and in the end we are all weird in our own ways. No matter what label someone else gave you.

Yo, dude!

With a blog named; different perspectives, it is funny that also my own perspective has changed.

I read trough my own blog and beside correcting some very choppy English (it still ain't perfect), I noticed I used to not mind so much to be addressed as a guy. I am swapping genders and was not born as a girl. But did want to become one.

Just.. the more I think about who I really am and always have been the more I realize there is more to it than just that.

It finally sinked in that everyone in my private life accepts me for who I am  and I couldn't thank everyone enough. No one said a negative thing or at least I have never heard one.

-----

Even although I am already changing for two years now and try to keep my chin up wherever I go and whoever I talk with, I still feel a bit insecure. I am afraid of reactions and try to play it in safe mode. Meaning that I do not wear too feminine clothes, to much make-up and no nail polish. I keep my voice as of how people know me, just slightly lighter and I also address myself as a he.

Many might think, but you still are? Honestly, I thought the same. You change sex after surgery but I came to the conclusion that it lays a little deeper than that.

The brain is who you are, what controls your whole body. Sure people can be mentally disabled but I can function perfectly fine. It is my body that is incorrectly and handicapped. My body doesn't fit my brains and to many, that makes me a guy. Could it be though, that the gender is just in the brains and not between your legs?

That would clash with so many theories and also religions. But trust me that I have browsed the internet long enough on this matter that no matter what someones religion is, christian, muslim, jewish or what else, in the end most take the step to transition and find a way to hold on to their believes to feel loved and accepted while others with the same believe might still be fully against it. There is no right or wrong. Believe what you want, be happy with who you are, and respect others for wanting to do the same.

The other day I read an article about a mom who cut off her sons penis when he was asleep (well, he surely woke up straight after) and although you can't compare that with any surgery. He lost his sex. Even so I doubt he woke up the next morning with the sudden urge to put on make-up, wear a dress and present as a woman. He most likely feels like a handicapped man, just as how the other way around I feel like a handicapped girl.

I always told myself that when I start my hormone therapy, I will make the swap. The thing is, there is no swap. No matter if I use my masculine voice, grow out a beard or if I would stand 7ft tall. I still feel like a woman from the inside. No matter if I have long hair, wear the perfect outfits and would become a female role model. Everyone who has known me presenting myself as a guy, will still also see the old me.

It is noticeable that sometimes people expect certain answers from me. To tell how to deal with it but I really can't tell you. This is as unusual for me as it is for you. The only thing I can do is being open about it and to not force anything upon you. The only thing I would like to ask is to address me and see me as for who I am, not for who I pretended to be for many years. It is the small things that do it. A few days ago someone corrected another calling me by the wrong name. Or when someone kisses you on the cheek as a greeting at a party while you thought that may was inappropriate at first.

Shortly put, it feels hurting to be addressed as the guy I try to leave behind me. I realize this doesn't change over night and don't expect this either. But for the ones waiting for me to 'swap', that will never happen. I can only ask from you to do that swap yourself.

-----

I decided to share this on Facebook because some seem to worry, or are curious. Which of course is fine. I although do not like to talk about it all that often because I am more than just a transgender. I won't put my name out here or post pictures because the url is also known on several fora, and I rather be anonymous.

Although if you now have been reading this and wonder what my name change has been, it is simply my old name minus the N. Or just use the short version of my name :D!

Them feels.

Whats new?? I posted an image on Facebook saying that I am swapping genders! Something I was so nervous about. The image was already done and ready for a moment but being afraid of possible reactions I waited with posting it.

Now it is out there and I didn't realize it at first. I prepared for the worst and even asked a dear friend of mine to be the first to reply to it because if the first person says something negative, it could turn into a discussion and a lot of negativity. That is what I was afraid of.

Much story, such feels. I never really cared much about my emotions. Well, sure I did but I wouldn't want to show it. I can share plenty of negative situations, stories and everything but I rather just say how everything is fine instead of soaking in negativity and dragging others down with me

As my looks and behavior has changed, so have my emotions. With time it became easier to shed a tear but even so I wouldn't ever show it it anyone. Although this is getting better I was still so nervous to show everyone what really has been going on.

The message on Facebook was very easy going and casually. I wanted it to come across as no big deal. But in reality I sit here with tears in my eyes while writing this. It means so much to me to see how everyone is so supportive.

Getting a job

Your own place, a job, ambitions, future dreams.. for all of these I need a job, an income.

I never thought it would be this difficult to find a job after such great internships, but it is taking quite a while. And I think I am one of the few who rather works than sits at home.

Gawd.. I really want to work..

Famous

Isn't is a dream of many? To be famous?

Nowadays it is a lot easier to get famous. Look at 9gag and all the meme's. Sure we make fun of it and laugh about these pictures but someones face is on it. Someone, often unwillingly, became an icon. In many cases completely unrelated to who they really are.

I am open about being transgender although not everyone knows it yet. Neither do I already feel the urge of putting it out there. But I notice I am more often being asked to model. To model as androgynous or unisex.

Who does not has the interest to be a model? But having when having gender dysphoria the camera is not your best friend. Any pictures also shows some of your masculinity and that is exactly what you do not want to see. So I keep saying no. I also have yet to start with hormones and I do not want my old pictures to confront me later on.

My work is to be creative and that is why I like to look at myself as a creative individual. Thus, my 'old' me wont be washed away. If anything I can already look forward to one day think of a campaign to trow transgenders in the media.

Because really? We live in 2014 and I think it is ridiculous that so many people are still very narrow minded. How is it possible that in this year religions still clash and being of a different sex or race is still an issue? Why is it that people spend so much of their time and energy in self made problems?

One day I want to become an Art Director and think of campaigns to move people. The one named above will be one of them. I do not know how yet but even while being at quite the start of my transition it is already on my mind to how I could get people to be more accepting. To have all the wrong presumptions disappear.

I realize that famous is a dream of many and life threatening to others. But you do not know which one goes for you till you actually done it.

Narrow minded

Only one more month till I will hear if I can start with my hormone therapy!

Am I ready for it? When are you ready for it? I for sure can say I am nervous but I am already been living by my own identity for a year now.

It started where I told it to my family by mail so it could sink in. Then I ended up telling it to people when I had drank alcohol (doh). Now I am getting used to it, and just tell people directly.

I am not a woman but I wish I was. I am too much of a realist to expect anyone to already call me ma'am while I am not (yet). But I would appreciate anyone to stop calling me dude, man, guy or whichever.

Being transgender brings up mixed reactions. Some find it wrong, gay, creative, interesting. I love the people who appreciate you for it and I hate the ones who see it as a fetish, and even approach you as such.

There is a big group that dislikes it. Transphobes, homophobes, what is it with you guys? Yes it is pretty weird or maybe even freaky but I was already weird long time before I even knew about my feelings. Is it unacceptable? Alright. I can live with everyones opinion even if you fully disagree with what makes me happy, but why would my life concern you in such way for you to be bothered by it?

At first I was unsure about myself, coming out, being myself. Now I just rather see myself as a creative individual. I do not say I am a trendsetter but I do make my own style. Why not appreciate how people are unique in their own way instead of making fun of them for it?

A lot has changed but mostly for me mentally. Yes I am still as tall as ever but I gotten to like it (except on pictures). I practiced with my voice and if I am surrounded by people I do not know, often they do not even know what gender I am. It also happened before at parties or at the street I hear flirts or positive comments and in London someone came to me (that was adorable by the way :P) to ask me out on a date.

But while my voice isn't perfect, or when online I tell someone what is up. To be honest and upfront about it, I get negativity thrown at me. Excuse me? It was not a problem ten minutes ago. You more likely have to question yourself than to point at me saying I am in the wrong.

I already noticed the ups and downs of being transgender. You attract gay curious men who got a fetish for transgenders which is pretty disgusting. Just to mention, shemale (porn version of transgenders) is as insulting as an insult can be.

How about everyone stops being so narrow minded and lets just go with the flow, alright? Yes you got weird people, tall, short, fat, thing, disabled, old, or sheeps following the herd. Don't judge before you know someones background story.

Depressive?

It has been a while since I wrote something on here. I have been wanting to write something for forever but I either never finish it, or half way I am rambling and I totally miss the point.

I have been following the blog of a Dutch trans woman and she inspired me to work on my own blog. To me it feels relieving to see what she been trough and to also know what I can expect. Then I can prepare for the hard parts and look forward to the better ones.

You never know who might reads this one day and although there are examples like Andrej Pejic, an androgynous model (I wrote that word without auto-correct, wow), I can understand this can be demotivating also. He looks gorgeous and very feminine like too perfect to be true. While you might have the same feelings and have a very masculine chin, nose or short hair and think you will never look good enough. Maybe one day I will show before and afters and trust me, I didn't exactly looked anywhere pass-able two years ago.

That is exactly what I also wanted to talk about in this blog. I read on this blog as if everything is fine. Because where I do worry a lot, I do not like to show this to other people. Whenever anyone asks me what is wrong, or how I feel, I say fine straight away and try to shake it off me. This is being worked on but at the same time this is my way of coping with struggles and I do believe everyone should deal with their issues in the way which feels most comfortable to them. Otherwise you make an issue, of dealing with issues.

I haven't always been all so positive. Or try to turn things around. I was quite young when my parents divorced and it didn't go without struggles. It did also add to it that I was getting bullied at school and was not doing well getting demotivated, not knowing what course I was good at. Story made short, I have had my moments in the past where I felt like just giving up. Almost every job, school and internships turned out into a confidence killer. I was the social awkward one too shy to approach someone and I had no goal in life.

Eventually I found a course that I enjoyed doing. I was one of the oldest students which was an insecurity of mine but enjoying what I did now, I learned I could help and teach others what I knew. The internships were great and I was one of the six worldwide to be trained in one of the best worldwide agencies in my branche. At school I was told by many (students) I was lucky. I had it easy because I had a talent for this thing. While I just believe in the fact that if you do what feels right and are determined to trow all your effort in it, you will get there.

I would be lying if I would say I am not afraid of the future. I just lived on my own in another country while doing my last internship and I can look forward to getting a job and eventually moving out. My transition is getting closer also and before you know it I will be getting hormones. All are big steps and it is pretty scary all together, but also exciting. But as long as I cannot get a job (struggling with that one), it feels like I am making no progress in life at all.

How I gotten to this subject? At the hospital my psychologist told me it is rare that nothing came out of a three hour lasting test. Not any issues, difficulties or maybe some depression. Sure, I could be sad and depressive but I rather look at where I am at now, what I want to achieve and what I am going for. I rather think about the positive things in life.

Be you

Not like anyone reads this blog but maybe one day people will. My English is a bit crappy and I talk pretty scatter brained, because I am. So.. well, we will see.

It is normal to have negative thoughts, insecurities and bad feelings. You wonder how everything will turn out and although you see some nice before and afters online. You also see some lesser results which might sound like a rude thing to say but you would just close your eyes and sugar coat if you didn't see the negative either.

One thing I have started to notice though. In general people close-by are supportive. Others you do not know are quite narrow minded. Maybe it is an ego speaking just as how many men act totally homophobic but if they know someone who is gay, they are often fine with it.
Being transgender it is often the same, but because someone cannot always directly tell, another factor plays a part of it. Transgenders who look very masculine while very pass-able transgenders are seen as interesting.

You do not know what hormones will do to you. They are no magic pill and from what I recall other transgenders saying is that you yourself don't even see the difference. What it will do though is change your feelings.
I cannot speak from experience but from reading a lot and common sense. Your sexuality does not change, your emotions don't change. But you do show your emotions easier. It isn't without reason that most men are very sexual and women are more emotional. It is in our systems and even our anatomy. The other day I read a woman her (wait let me Google this up), lacrimal sac, alright, is positioned differently than a man so the tears roll onto your cheeks faster.

I do have my pictures online, but not on here. I rather be anonymous on this blog. I am tall, I feel like I got pretty broad shoulders and I am not on hormones yet. The only make-up I wear is a little eye-liner but even so I see changes, and get mistaken while outside.

When I first started to experiment to call it like such, I felt hideous, ugly and insecure. I have been laughed at, called names and other situations which were not exactly a boost for anyones self-esteem. You can hear people talk behind your back (I wonder if people think I am deaf?) and even in Amsterdam where they say people are so open minded. Which is not true at all.

Afterwards it was because I tried too hard. I wore certain clothes just to look more feminine. I wore more make-up than needed and most of all, I was afraid to go out like that.

When I wear what makes me feel best no matter if it is masculine or feminine, it shouldn't matter. It is about developing as a human and not to become the ideal image of a woman. The more confidence I carry the better I go out and am approached. I want to stop trying to be what society tells you what you should be. Either dressed as a man or woman or either.

Guy mode

When you talk with other transgenders it often goes about when someone goes full-time, you have a guy mode and a girl mode and depending on the situation you can be either.

Like as for me, I could say I had a guy mode, and am now in girl mode. To me it feels as if I am playing a videogame to call it as such and honestly never seen it like that. I always have been myself and just instead of standing, acting and talking as how I thought I had do, to be accepted. I let my body take over and decide what feels natural.

Eventually I noticed that small things would make the differ wither people would see me as a woman, or a man. Nail polish, certain clothes and some make-up already does the trick.

Hair length clearly does a big part of it to be seen as a woman. I wear skinny jeans now and different kind of clothes. T-shirts with a feminine cut. Before I knew it my 'guy mode' turned into 'girl mode'.

I do see a lot of transgenders who seem to wear clothes to be pass-able. Trans men wearing awfully baggy clothes as if there is no one left in it and trans women wearing bright red lipstick with high heels. It doesn't help you to get trough. If anything you will only draw attention and be picked on.

Pass-able, pass-ability, whatever. In the end it isn't all that important. I do just want to be accepted, be myself and stop being annoyed by shallow minded people.

To be a model!

Where everyone has insecurities, which I also got plenty of, I now can also mention plenty things which I do like about my self.

Now it would always been better if I had figured it all out faster, and started with it when I was younger but at the same time I am fine with how things went. I fully focussed myself on my study thinking that that was what could feel that empty gap in my stomach and I really wouldn't miss those experiences either.

But also, on fora you often see trans men and women mentioning that they don't want to start therapy, they most likely will turn out ugly. But as if every usual person does not have insecurities. Someone is too tall, to short, too fat, too thin, big breasts, too small breasts, bald, or what else. Imagine being born with the right body, would that automatically make it perfect?

I guess I can consider myself lucky. Even without taking hormones people get confused. In stores it happens frequently that people go like; Good day sir, ma'am, miss, man, what? Which is funny.

Then again, you can call me unlucky because I do not have the right body, no breasts and not the correct genital either. Where others grow up with interests and to explore themselves, I could as well but it did not feel right so I never really did. Then my voice doesn't suit me and hormones won't change that. Voice training will.

It doesn't really matter what you are, what you look like and if you are 'pass-able'. In the end there will always be people who dislike you and who make that clear to you.

People tend to look up to models and I can look up to Andreja Pejic. Even she has struggles, difficulties and people being negative about her online. While she is beautiful wither she was modeling in male or female clothes.

In many cases you hear transgender's speak about insecurities, pass-ability, beauty and sadness about not being more perfect. While as described above, everything has its ups and downs. In the end, everyone wants to feel perfect about themselves and in reality, no one ever will. Not models, not insecure people, not transgenders, rarely anyone can look in the mirror and think of themselves as being perfect and in my honest opinion if someone does think they are perfect, then they automatically think others are imperfect which doesn't exactly makes them someone to be jealous of, personality wise.

So basically, either be insecure about a few things your whole life, or just be happy for who you are.

The world confuses me as much as I confuse them

I look at old photo's and I see my old me. I have changed. I see that, others see that. My posture has changed, my expression, my mood, everything.

Nowadays I noticed I draw the attention in a different way. People look at me and often don't know what I am. Sometimes this is funny, at other moments it can be frustrating.

I think I am attracted to men, but I am not even sure yet. But straight men, who eventually want to see me for who I am still see me as a guy while gay and bi men see me as a woman. At the moment there is no place at either for me.

Guess I will just see it as a compliment.

Fuck you're tall D:

I am 6.1 or 6.2 feet tall. I am terrible at seeing my own height and well, I do not want to think about it too much x_x.

You are so tall! You must be great at basketball! Really, people? I don't see depth and I am so clumsy I trip while standing still. Don't stereotype so much. Neither do I understand how tall became a compliment? You are stating the obvious, something which is not an opinion but a fact is not a compliment. Neither do I tell you, you would do great at rugby with your weight or that you must be a great listener with those big ears. Some things you just keep to yourself even if everyone sees it.

Thing is, I always thought tall women are gorgeous if carried well so I do enjoy being tall. What I don't enjoy is standing out, or photographs with people way shorter than me. Beside the fact I don't like people taking pictures of me in the first place.

Also, the taller you are the more people see you. This can be a bad thing on a bad day but on good days I enjoy it. I do like to be seen, but also to be accepted. Those two sometimes come together as a deal breaker.

Whenever I feel insecure about my height I go to ModelMayhem and search for pictures like the above of women above 6ft. Gorgeously looking and no one would doubt their gender at all, so why should I feel insecure about it? Actually, personally I feel jealous of tall women. They stand out, wear it with proud, look beautiful and because of their height everyone can see all of that. So why not feel proud to be tall as well?

When did I figure it out for myself?

After reading this:
http://wiki.answers.com/Q/How_do_you_know_if_you_are_a_transsexual#slide=1
I felt for writing about that myself.

If you read that article then the conclusion is that everyone should known from birth that they are transgender. It does not work like that. It depends on your surroundings, the country you live in, your family and the friends you have around you.

When I just started 'exploring', I felt very insecure about others who would might see it, call me names or any other negative self esteem destroying situations. But by changing you also learn to accept yourself the better, gain more confidence and ignore the negativity. This happens no matter if you are transgender or not.

People ask me, do you want to be a girl? Will you go all the way? Want boobs? Who do you want sex with? When with a woman would you be the man? It is quite personal and rude to ask someone these questions. Although I do understand the curiosity, get to know me first for being me and if I feel comfortable with you then chances are I will start talking about it by myself.

When will you go full-time, or come out of the closet? I never seen a straight person do this and don't see why I should. I shouldn't have to prove myself to anyone and just want to enjoy being me and explore. I believe by taking it slowly people will be able to fill it in by themselves and get used to it in their own pace.

Who am I and why this blog?

I am a 25 years young transgender and I like to be realistic about it too. I was not born a girl but I do want to become one. At the moment I am not slowly changing myself to the point where I can live my life as who I want to be.

It becomes easier to accept yourself when you look in the mirror, and this makes me happier. But when you go out and tell it to others you can expect rejections, people staring at you, shout at you, laughing at you or even worse.
Having friends and family who accept you is important but you have to gather the confidence to also go out, and face a harsher world.

The internet surely helps to give you pushes in the right directions. You can see the before and afters/life journeys of others and there are plenty who share your thoughts and feelings whom you can talk with.

Being transgender isn't easy, it never is when you stand out. But for every insecurity or harsh moment you can see it as a growing process. A learning moment. It is just a matter of perspective.

At this blog I want to write about my ups and downs, insecurities and feelings. My way isn't the best way but whenever I have a harsher moment I like to have the posibility to read an older post. To see where I came from and how far I have moved ahead, to keep looking forward.

I also been inspired by other transgenders writing blogs or big names like Andrej Pejic. Maybe by writing down my experiences I can someday support someone else with the same struggles, or one day be a bigger support to just make everyone a little bit more open minded and accepting.