Be you

Not like anyone reads this blog but maybe one day people will. My English is a bit crappy and I talk pretty scatter brained, because I am. So.. well, we will see.

It is normal to have negative thoughts, insecurities and bad feelings. You wonder how everything will turn out and although you see some nice before and afters online. You also see some lesser results which might sound like a rude thing to say but you would just close your eyes and sugar coat if you didn't see the negative either.

One thing I have started to notice though. In general people close-by are supportive. Others you do not know are quite narrow minded. Maybe it is an ego speaking just as how many men act totally homophobic but if they know someone who is gay, they are often fine with it.
Being transgender it is often the same, but because someone cannot always directly tell, another factor plays a part of it. Transgenders who look very masculine while very pass-able transgenders are seen as interesting.

You do not know what hormones will do to you. They are no magic pill and from what I recall other transgenders saying is that you yourself don't even see the difference. What it will do though is change your feelings.
I cannot speak from experience but from reading a lot and common sense. Your sexuality does not change, your emotions don't change. But you do show your emotions easier. It isn't without reason that most men are very sexual and women are more emotional. It is in our systems and even our anatomy. The other day I read a woman her (wait let me Google this up), lacrimal sac, alright, is positioned differently than a man so the tears roll onto your cheeks faster.

I do have my pictures online, but not on here. I rather be anonymous on this blog. I am tall, I feel like I got pretty broad shoulders and I am not on hormones yet. The only make-up I wear is a little eye-liner but even so I see changes, and get mistaken while outside.

When I first started to experiment to call it like such, I felt hideous, ugly and insecure. I have been laughed at, called names and other situations which were not exactly a boost for anyones self-esteem. You can hear people talk behind your back (I wonder if people think I am deaf?) and even in Amsterdam where they say people are so open minded. Which is not true at all.

Afterwards it was because I tried too hard. I wore certain clothes just to look more feminine. I wore more make-up than needed and most of all, I was afraid to go out like that.

When I wear what makes me feel best no matter if it is masculine or feminine, it shouldn't matter. It is about developing as a human and not to become the ideal image of a woman. The more confidence I carry the better I go out and am approached. I want to stop trying to be what society tells you what you should be. Either dressed as a man or woman or either.