Yo, dude!

With a blog named; different perspectives, it is funny that also my own perspective has changed.

I read trough my own blog and beside correcting some very choppy English (it still ain't perfect), I noticed I used to not mind so much to be addressed as a guy. I am swapping genders and was not born as a girl. But did want to become one.

Just.. the more I think about who I really am and always have been the more I realize there is more to it than just that.

It finally sinked in that everyone in my private life accepts me for who I am  and I couldn't thank everyone enough. No one said a negative thing or at least I have never heard one.

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Even although I am already changing for two years now and try to keep my chin up wherever I go and whoever I talk with, I still feel a bit insecure. I am afraid of reactions and try to play it in safe mode. Meaning that I do not wear too feminine clothes, to much make-up and no nail polish. I keep my voice as of how people know me, just slightly lighter and I also address myself as a he.

Many might think, but you still are? Honestly, I thought the same. You change sex after surgery but I came to the conclusion that it lays a little deeper than that.

The brain is who you are, what controls your whole body. Sure people can be mentally disabled but I can function perfectly fine. It is my body that is incorrectly and handicapped. My body doesn't fit my brains and to many, that makes me a guy. Could it be though, that the gender is just in the brains and not between your legs?

That would clash with so many theories and also religions. But trust me that I have browsed the internet long enough on this matter that no matter what someones religion is, christian, muslim, jewish or what else, in the end most take the step to transition and find a way to hold on to their believes to feel loved and accepted while others with the same believe might still be fully against it. There is no right or wrong. Believe what you want, be happy with who you are, and respect others for wanting to do the same.

The other day I read an article about a mom who cut off her sons penis when he was asleep (well, he surely woke up straight after) and although you can't compare that with any surgery. He lost his sex. Even so I doubt he woke up the next morning with the sudden urge to put on make-up, wear a dress and present as a woman. He most likely feels like a handicapped man, just as how the other way around I feel like a handicapped girl.

I always told myself that when I start my hormone therapy, I will make the swap. The thing is, there is no swap. No matter if I use my masculine voice, grow out a beard or if I would stand 7ft tall. I still feel like a woman from the inside. No matter if I have long hair, wear the perfect outfits and would become a female role model. Everyone who has known me presenting myself as a guy, will still also see the old me.

It is noticeable that sometimes people expect certain answers from me. To tell how to deal with it but I really can't tell you. This is as unusual for me as it is for you. The only thing I can do is being open about it and to not force anything upon you. The only thing I would like to ask is to address me and see me as for who I am, not for who I pretended to be for many years. It is the small things that do it. A few days ago someone corrected another calling me by the wrong name. Or when someone kisses you on the cheek as a greeting at a party while you thought that may was inappropriate at first.

Shortly put, it feels hurting to be addressed as the guy I try to leave behind me. I realize this doesn't change over night and don't expect this either. But for the ones waiting for me to 'swap', that will never happen. I can only ask from you to do that swap yourself.

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I decided to share this on Facebook because some seem to worry, or are curious. Which of course is fine. I although do not like to talk about it all that often because I am more than just a transgender. I won't put my name out here or post pictures because the url is also known on several fora, and I rather be anonymous.

Although if you now have been reading this and wonder what my name change has been, it is simply my old name minus the N. Or just use the short version of my name :D!