Let me write something down, which I know no one ever reads anyway. Yup, the blog was shared on Facebook and I am glad but I got the feeling not many got to the point to actually read it.
That can be good, actually, but it is also hard to reach people. Speaking my mind, without destroying the mood. I still struggle with the way how people pronounce me but I feel bad constantly opening my mouth about it. It ruins the mood so I rather just only ruin my own and that it does.
That is the thing. I can pretend it all isn't that bad, but I would be lying. Why would I lie on my own blog?
If you look at, as an example, gay people. Wherever you go the word 'Gay' usually means a negative thing. What a gay situation, don't act so gay, that is so gay. Gay men often feel offended by this but because the majority of the people do this it is hard to make it disappear, and many don't realize how hurting it can be either, even if they do not have anything against gay people.
Back at high school it was a trend for all the 'cool' kids to add cancer in their sentences. Cancer this, cancer that. The majority did this so the others quickly took over. Till a boy lost his mother because of cancer and everyone realized how they broke him every time they said the word. In a really short time that word was forced out of their system because they knew how hurting it was to him.
The other day I was at a party of a friend of mine. I do not know if she told her friends anything about me but if anything, I trust her and whatever it was or nothing, I felt it was fine. I felt no urge of having to prove myself and went there feeling I could just be me. There everyone addressed me as a woman and also acted in such a way to me. No awkwardness giving a hug and me not feeling the slightly bit insecure about dancing. I could just be me and the party was awesome. The one time a guy addressed me with he, he quickly changed that to she. Because the majority said she and thus others take over.
If you lived your whole life as a guy then it isn't a weird thing the majority sees you as one and needs time to remove it from the system. But then again, also because many do not see how much it is needed.
It isn't like it wasn't a problem before. It isn't like I wanted to be a guy at first and just now feel the need to life differently. It is that I just never realized till only recently that I can make the change. I hated it I was told that boys don't cry. Boys need to toughen up. Make-up is wrong and being tall is good because the girls like that. Working out at the gym and having your body change is awesome and everyone acted so positive about it. When my hair was too long, I should trim it because it didn't suit me. I didn't wanted to disappoint anyone.. but it has always bothered me. It isn't without reason that I started to get migraines, or that I always felt stressful inside, or that I couldn't cry or know how to deal with emotions. Whenever it came to close I quickly pushed it away again.
Everything was cropped inside, and now I let it out. I allow myself to feel hurt about what hurts me and instead of running from it I face it and change it, but with that also comes it is easier to hurt me.
I wish I could just switch that off, but I can't. It doesn't change how I feel about someone. As an example my sister has always called me her little brother. I know she has not a single thought of harm behind that and whenever something troubles me, I easily talk with her about it. But it does sting to hear just that. I don't want to force a change but I cannot wait for that much longer anymore either.
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