Be you

Not like anyone reads this blog but maybe one day people will. My English is a bit crappy and I talk pretty scatter brained, because I am. So.. well, we will see.

It is normal to have negative thoughts, insecurities and bad feelings. You wonder how everything will turn out and although you see some nice before and afters online. You also see some lesser results which might sound like a rude thing to say but you would just close your eyes and sugar coat if you didn't see the negative either.

One thing I have started to notice though. In general people close-by are supportive. Others you do not know are quite narrow minded. Maybe it is an ego speaking just as how many men act totally homophobic but if they know someone who is gay, they are often fine with it.
Being transgender it is often the same, but because someone cannot always directly tell, another factor plays a part of it. Transgenders who look very masculine while very pass-able transgenders are seen as interesting.

You do not know what hormones will do to you. They are no magic pill and from what I recall other transgenders saying is that you yourself don't even see the difference. What it will do though is change your feelings.
I cannot speak from experience but from reading a lot and common sense. Your sexuality does not change, your emotions don't change. But you do show your emotions easier. It isn't without reason that most men are very sexual and women are more emotional. It is in our systems and even our anatomy. The other day I read a woman her (wait let me Google this up), lacrimal sac, alright, is positioned differently than a man so the tears roll onto your cheeks faster.

I do have my pictures online, but not on here. I rather be anonymous on this blog. I am tall, I feel like I got pretty broad shoulders and I am not on hormones yet. The only make-up I wear is a little eye-liner but even so I see changes, and get mistaken while outside.

When I first started to experiment to call it like such, I felt hideous, ugly and insecure. I have been laughed at, called names and other situations which were not exactly a boost for anyones self-esteem. You can hear people talk behind your back (I wonder if people think I am deaf?) and even in Amsterdam where they say people are so open minded. Which is not true at all.

Afterwards it was because I tried too hard. I wore certain clothes just to look more feminine. I wore more make-up than needed and most of all, I was afraid to go out like that.

When I wear what makes me feel best no matter if it is masculine or feminine, it shouldn't matter. It is about developing as a human and not to become the ideal image of a woman. The more confidence I carry the better I go out and am approached. I want to stop trying to be what society tells you what you should be. Either dressed as a man or woman or either.

Guy mode

When you talk with other transgenders it often goes about when someone goes full-time, you have a guy mode and a girl mode and depending on the situation you can be either.

Like as for me, I could say I had a guy mode, and am now in girl mode. To me it feels as if I am playing a videogame to call it as such and honestly never seen it like that. I always have been myself and just instead of standing, acting and talking as how I thought I had do, to be accepted. I let my body take over and decide what feels natural.

Eventually I noticed that small things would make the differ wither people would see me as a woman, or a man. Nail polish, certain clothes and some make-up already does the trick.

Hair length clearly does a big part of it to be seen as a woman. I wear skinny jeans now and different kind of clothes. T-shirts with a feminine cut. Before I knew it my 'guy mode' turned into 'girl mode'.

I do see a lot of transgenders who seem to wear clothes to be pass-able. Trans men wearing awfully baggy clothes as if there is no one left in it and trans women wearing bright red lipstick with high heels. It doesn't help you to get trough. If anything you will only draw attention and be picked on.

Pass-able, pass-ability, whatever. In the end it isn't all that important. I do just want to be accepted, be myself and stop being annoyed by shallow minded people.

To be a model!

Where everyone has insecurities, which I also got plenty of, I now can also mention plenty things which I do like about my self.

Now it would always been better if I had figured it all out faster, and started with it when I was younger but at the same time I am fine with how things went. I fully focussed myself on my study thinking that that was what could feel that empty gap in my stomach and I really wouldn't miss those experiences either.

But also, on fora you often see trans men and women mentioning that they don't want to start therapy, they most likely will turn out ugly. But as if every usual person does not have insecurities. Someone is too tall, to short, too fat, too thin, big breasts, too small breasts, bald, or what else. Imagine being born with the right body, would that automatically make it perfect?

I guess I can consider myself lucky. Even without taking hormones people get confused. In stores it happens frequently that people go like; Good day sir, ma'am, miss, man, what? Which is funny.

Then again, you can call me unlucky because I do not have the right body, no breasts and not the correct genital either. Where others grow up with interests and to explore themselves, I could as well but it did not feel right so I never really did. Then my voice doesn't suit me and hormones won't change that. Voice training will.

It doesn't really matter what you are, what you look like and if you are 'pass-able'. In the end there will always be people who dislike you and who make that clear to you.

People tend to look up to models and I can look up to Andreja Pejic. Even she has struggles, difficulties and people being negative about her online. While she is beautiful wither she was modeling in male or female clothes.

In many cases you hear transgender's speak about insecurities, pass-ability, beauty and sadness about not being more perfect. While as described above, everything has its ups and downs. In the end, everyone wants to feel perfect about themselves and in reality, no one ever will. Not models, not insecure people, not transgenders, rarely anyone can look in the mirror and think of themselves as being perfect and in my honest opinion if someone does think they are perfect, then they automatically think others are imperfect which doesn't exactly makes them someone to be jealous of, personality wise.

So basically, either be insecure about a few things your whole life, or just be happy for who you are.