Depressive?

It has been a while since I wrote something on here. I have been wanting to write something for forever but I either never finish it, or half way I am rambling and I totally miss the point.

I have been following the blog of a Dutch trans woman and she inspired me to work on my own blog. To me it feels relieving to see what she been trough and to also know what I can expect. Then I can prepare for the hard parts and look forward to the better ones.

You never know who might reads this one day and although there are examples like Andrej Pejic, an androgynous model (I wrote that word without auto-correct, wow), I can understand this can be demotivating also. He looks gorgeous and very feminine like too perfect to be true. While you might have the same feelings and have a very masculine chin, nose or short hair and think you will never look good enough. Maybe one day I will show before and afters and trust me, I didn't exactly looked anywhere pass-able two years ago.

That is exactly what I also wanted to talk about in this blog. I read on this blog as if everything is fine. Because where I do worry a lot, I do not like to show this to other people. Whenever anyone asks me what is wrong, or how I feel, I say fine straight away and try to shake it off me. This is being worked on but at the same time this is my way of coping with struggles and I do believe everyone should deal with their issues in the way which feels most comfortable to them. Otherwise you make an issue, of dealing with issues.

I haven't always been all so positive. Or try to turn things around. I was quite young when my parents divorced and it didn't go without struggles. It did also add to it that I was getting bullied at school and was not doing well getting demotivated, not knowing what course I was good at. Story made short, I have had my moments in the past where I felt like just giving up. Almost every job, school and internships turned out into a confidence killer. I was the social awkward one too shy to approach someone and I had no goal in life.

Eventually I found a course that I enjoyed doing. I was one of the oldest students which was an insecurity of mine but enjoying what I did now, I learned I could help and teach others what I knew. The internships were great and I was one of the six worldwide to be trained in one of the best worldwide agencies in my branche. At school I was told by many (students) I was lucky. I had it easy because I had a talent for this thing. While I just believe in the fact that if you do what feels right and are determined to trow all your effort in it, you will get there.

I would be lying if I would say I am not afraid of the future. I just lived on my own in another country while doing my last internship and I can look forward to getting a job and eventually moving out. My transition is getting closer also and before you know it I will be getting hormones. All are big steps and it is pretty scary all together, but also exciting. But as long as I cannot get a job (struggling with that one), it feels like I am making no progress in life at all.

How I gotten to this subject? At the hospital my psychologist told me it is rare that nothing came out of a three hour lasting test. Not any issues, difficulties or maybe some depression. Sure, I could be sad and depressive but I rather look at where I am at now, what I want to achieve and what I am going for. I rather think about the positive things in life.