One week has passed while I started with hormones.
First the pills were just laying there. I never doubted that I really want this, but it is such a life changing decision that you surely have some thoughts going trough your mind. I did worry. How will it work, will it even work? Will it have negative side effects?
So far.. nothing, nada. When you read online about hormones you read drastic side effects. Everything changes, almost instantly! Like a magic pill but a little different. Maybe there are changes but how do I know whether my emotions are acting up, or if the HRT is doing some work?
The only real noticeable point is that I feel calmer. That constant stressful feeling in my stomach seems to have mostly disappeared and now I got moments where I can really just relax. Honestly, I never could do that.
All with all, of course only a week has passed but so far I feel little to nothing. If someone had given me hormones in secret, I wouldn't even have known.
Alright! One week has passed! The full results are usually there around two years. Patience.. patience..
Thursday, December 11, 2014
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
Drama aside
Alright, sure, a full-time job would be nice and everyone already seeing me as a woman that would be awesome too. One step at a time and a huge step luckily just been taken :D!
After two years of waiting to even start with therapy, going to London for a while, talking with someone once a month for a year and oversleeping when I finally could get my hormones (I only oversleep when I really, really shouldn't. Like when I have to catch the train from London to the Netherlands, when starting with hormones or what else might comes in the future). I finally could come in and get my hormones.
Of course plenty happens other than just picking up some medicines. I wasn't allowed to eat or drink (except water) till 1pm. Followed by having seven tubes of blood tapped from me. I never been so happy to eat some bread.
A lot of forms to fill in and questions to answer. Measurements were taken. I now finally know I am 188cm tall instead of 187, 190 or maybe 191 and someone was so friendly to help me out with how I officially can change my gender and name, which is awesome ^^.
The 4th of December will be the day I am starting with hormones and I am excited and nervous at the same time.
After two years of waiting to even start with therapy, going to London for a while, talking with someone once a month for a year and oversleeping when I finally could get my hormones (I only oversleep when I really, really shouldn't. Like when I have to catch the train from London to the Netherlands, when starting with hormones or what else might comes in the future). I finally could come in and get my hormones.
Of course plenty happens other than just picking up some medicines. I wasn't allowed to eat or drink (except water) till 1pm. Followed by having seven tubes of blood tapped from me. I never been so happy to eat some bread.
A lot of forms to fill in and questions to answer. Measurements were taken. I now finally know I am 188cm tall instead of 187, 190 or maybe 191 and someone was so friendly to help me out with how I officially can change my gender and name, which is awesome ^^.
The 4th of December will be the day I am starting with hormones and I am excited and nervous at the same time.
As time goes
Let me write something down, which I know no one ever reads anyway. Yup, the blog was shared on Facebook and I am glad but I got the feeling not many got to the point to actually read it.
That can be good, actually, but it is also hard to reach people. Speaking my mind, without destroying the mood. I still struggle with the way how people pronounce me but I feel bad constantly opening my mouth about it. It ruins the mood so I rather just only ruin my own and that it does.
That is the thing. I can pretend it all isn't that bad, but I would be lying. Why would I lie on my own blog?
If you look at, as an example, gay people. Wherever you go the word 'Gay' usually means a negative thing. What a gay situation, don't act so gay, that is so gay. Gay men often feel offended by this but because the majority of the people do this it is hard to make it disappear, and many don't realize how hurting it can be either, even if they do not have anything against gay people.
Back at high school it was a trend for all the 'cool' kids to add cancer in their sentences. Cancer this, cancer that. The majority did this so the others quickly took over. Till a boy lost his mother because of cancer and everyone realized how they broke him every time they said the word. In a really short time that word was forced out of their system because they knew how hurting it was to him.
The other day I was at a party of a friend of mine. I do not know if she told her friends anything about me but if anything, I trust her and whatever it was or nothing, I felt it was fine. I felt no urge of having to prove myself and went there feeling I could just be me. There everyone addressed me as a woman and also acted in such a way to me. No awkwardness giving a hug and me not feeling the slightly bit insecure about dancing. I could just be me and the party was awesome. The one time a guy addressed me with he, he quickly changed that to she. Because the majority said she and thus others take over.
If you lived your whole life as a guy then it isn't a weird thing the majority sees you as one and needs time to remove it from the system. But then again, also because many do not see how much it is needed.
It isn't like it wasn't a problem before. It isn't like I wanted to be a guy at first and just now feel the need to life differently. It is that I just never realized till only recently that I can make the change. I hated it I was told that boys don't cry. Boys need to toughen up. Make-up is wrong and being tall is good because the girls like that. Working out at the gym and having your body change is awesome and everyone acted so positive about it. When my hair was too long, I should trim it because it didn't suit me. I didn't wanted to disappoint anyone.. but it has always bothered me. It isn't without reason that I started to get migraines, or that I always felt stressful inside, or that I couldn't cry or know how to deal with emotions. Whenever it came to close I quickly pushed it away again.
Everything was cropped inside, and now I let it out. I allow myself to feel hurt about what hurts me and instead of running from it I face it and change it, but with that also comes it is easier to hurt me.
I wish I could just switch that off, but I can't. It doesn't change how I feel about someone. As an example my sister has always called me her little brother. I know she has not a single thought of harm behind that and whenever something troubles me, I easily talk with her about it. But it does sting to hear just that. I don't want to force a change but I cannot wait for that much longer anymore either.
That can be good, actually, but it is also hard to reach people. Speaking my mind, without destroying the mood. I still struggle with the way how people pronounce me but I feel bad constantly opening my mouth about it. It ruins the mood so I rather just only ruin my own and that it does.
That is the thing. I can pretend it all isn't that bad, but I would be lying. Why would I lie on my own blog?
If you look at, as an example, gay people. Wherever you go the word 'Gay' usually means a negative thing. What a gay situation, don't act so gay, that is so gay. Gay men often feel offended by this but because the majority of the people do this it is hard to make it disappear, and many don't realize how hurting it can be either, even if they do not have anything against gay people.
Back at high school it was a trend for all the 'cool' kids to add cancer in their sentences. Cancer this, cancer that. The majority did this so the others quickly took over. Till a boy lost his mother because of cancer and everyone realized how they broke him every time they said the word. In a really short time that word was forced out of their system because they knew how hurting it was to him.
The other day I was at a party of a friend of mine. I do not know if she told her friends anything about me but if anything, I trust her and whatever it was or nothing, I felt it was fine. I felt no urge of having to prove myself and went there feeling I could just be me. There everyone addressed me as a woman and also acted in such a way to me. No awkwardness giving a hug and me not feeling the slightly bit insecure about dancing. I could just be me and the party was awesome. The one time a guy addressed me with he, he quickly changed that to she. Because the majority said she and thus others take over.
If you lived your whole life as a guy then it isn't a weird thing the majority sees you as one and needs time to remove it from the system. But then again, also because many do not see how much it is needed.
It isn't like it wasn't a problem before. It isn't like I wanted to be a guy at first and just now feel the need to life differently. It is that I just never realized till only recently that I can make the change. I hated it I was told that boys don't cry. Boys need to toughen up. Make-up is wrong and being tall is good because the girls like that. Working out at the gym and having your body change is awesome and everyone acted so positive about it. When my hair was too long, I should trim it because it didn't suit me. I didn't wanted to disappoint anyone.. but it has always bothered me. It isn't without reason that I started to get migraines, or that I always felt stressful inside, or that I couldn't cry or know how to deal with emotions. Whenever it came to close I quickly pushed it away again.
Everything was cropped inside, and now I let it out. I allow myself to feel hurt about what hurts me and instead of running from it I face it and change it, but with that also comes it is easier to hurt me.
I wish I could just switch that off, but I can't. It doesn't change how I feel about someone. As an example my sister has always called me her little brother. I know she has not a single thought of harm behind that and whenever something troubles me, I easily talk with her about it. But it does sting to hear just that. I don't want to force a change but I cannot wait for that much longer anymore either.
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