Them feels.

Whats new?? I posted an image on Facebook saying that I am swapping genders! Something I was so nervous about. The image was already done and ready for a moment but being afraid of possible reactions I waited with posting it.

Now it is out there and I didn't realize it at first. I prepared for the worst and even asked a dear friend of mine to be the first to reply to it because if the first person says something negative, it could turn into a discussion and a lot of negativity. That is what I was afraid of.

Much story, such feels. I never really cared much about my emotions. Well, sure I did but I wouldn't want to show it. I can share plenty of negative situations, stories and everything but I rather just say how everything is fine instead of soaking in negativity and dragging others down with me

As my looks and behavior has changed, so have my emotions. With time it became easier to shed a tear but even so I wouldn't ever show it it anyone. Although this is getting better I was still so nervous to show everyone what really has been going on.

The message on Facebook was very easy going and casually. I wanted it to come across as no big deal. But in reality I sit here with tears in my eyes while writing this. It means so much to me to see how everyone is so supportive.

Getting a job

Your own place, a job, ambitions, future dreams.. for all of these I need a job, an income.

I never thought it would be this difficult to find a job after such great internships, but it is taking quite a while. And I think I am one of the few who rather works than sits at home.

Gawd.. I really want to work..

Famous

Isn't is a dream of many? To be famous?

Nowadays it is a lot easier to get famous. Look at 9gag and all the meme's. Sure we make fun of it and laugh about these pictures but someones face is on it. Someone, often unwillingly, became an icon. In many cases completely unrelated to who they really are.

I am open about being transgender although not everyone knows it yet. Neither do I already feel the urge of putting it out there. But I notice I am more often being asked to model. To model as androgynous or unisex.

Who does not has the interest to be a model? But having when having gender dysphoria the camera is not your best friend. Any pictures also shows some of your masculinity and that is exactly what you do not want to see. So I keep saying no. I also have yet to start with hormones and I do not want my old pictures to confront me later on.

My work is to be creative and that is why I like to look at myself as a creative individual. Thus, my 'old' me wont be washed away. If anything I can already look forward to one day think of a campaign to trow transgenders in the media.

Because really? We live in 2014 and I think it is ridiculous that so many people are still very narrow minded. How is it possible that in this year religions still clash and being of a different sex or race is still an issue? Why is it that people spend so much of their time and energy in self made problems?

One day I want to become an Art Director and think of campaigns to move people. The one named above will be one of them. I do not know how yet but even while being at quite the start of my transition it is already on my mind to how I could get people to be more accepting. To have all the wrong presumptions disappear.

I realize that famous is a dream of many and life threatening to others. But you do not know which one goes for you till you actually done it.

Narrow minded

Only one more month till I will hear if I can start with my hormone therapy!

Am I ready for it? When are you ready for it? I for sure can say I am nervous but I am already been living by my own identity for a year now.

It started where I told it to my family by mail so it could sink in. Then I ended up telling it to people when I had drank alcohol (doh). Now I am getting used to it, and just tell people directly.

I am not a woman but I wish I was. I am too much of a realist to expect anyone to already call me ma'am while I am not (yet). But I would appreciate anyone to stop calling me dude, man, guy or whichever.

Being transgender brings up mixed reactions. Some find it wrong, gay, creative, interesting. I love the people who appreciate you for it and I hate the ones who see it as a fetish, and even approach you as such.

There is a big group that dislikes it. Transphobes, homophobes, what is it with you guys? Yes it is pretty weird or maybe even freaky but I was already weird long time before I even knew about my feelings. Is it unacceptable? Alright. I can live with everyones opinion even if you fully disagree with what makes me happy, but why would my life concern you in such way for you to be bothered by it?

At first I was unsure about myself, coming out, being myself. Now I just rather see myself as a creative individual. I do not say I am a trendsetter but I do make my own style. Why not appreciate how people are unique in their own way instead of making fun of them for it?

A lot has changed but mostly for me mentally. Yes I am still as tall as ever but I gotten to like it (except on pictures). I practiced with my voice and if I am surrounded by people I do not know, often they do not even know what gender I am. It also happened before at parties or at the street I hear flirts or positive comments and in London someone came to me (that was adorable by the way :P) to ask me out on a date.

But while my voice isn't perfect, or when online I tell someone what is up. To be honest and upfront about it, I get negativity thrown at me. Excuse me? It was not a problem ten minutes ago. You more likely have to question yourself than to point at me saying I am in the wrong.

I already noticed the ups and downs of being transgender. You attract gay curious men who got a fetish for transgenders which is pretty disgusting. Just to mention, shemale (porn version of transgenders) is as insulting as an insult can be.

How about everyone stops being so narrow minded and lets just go with the flow, alright? Yes you got weird people, tall, short, fat, thing, disabled, old, or sheeps following the herd. Don't judge before you know someones background story.

Depressive?

It has been a while since I wrote something on here. I have been wanting to write something for forever but I either never finish it, or half way I am rambling and I totally miss the point.

I have been following the blog of a Dutch trans woman and she inspired me to work on my own blog. To me it feels relieving to see what she been trough and to also know what I can expect. Then I can prepare for the hard parts and look forward to the better ones.

You never know who might reads this one day and although there are examples like Andrej Pejic, an androgynous model (I wrote that word without auto-correct, wow), I can understand this can be demotivating also. He looks gorgeous and very feminine like too perfect to be true. While you might have the same feelings and have a very masculine chin, nose or short hair and think you will never look good enough. Maybe one day I will show before and afters and trust me, I didn't exactly looked anywhere pass-able two years ago.

That is exactly what I also wanted to talk about in this blog. I read on this blog as if everything is fine. Because where I do worry a lot, I do not like to show this to other people. Whenever anyone asks me what is wrong, or how I feel, I say fine straight away and try to shake it off me. This is being worked on but at the same time this is my way of coping with struggles and I do believe everyone should deal with their issues in the way which feels most comfortable to them. Otherwise you make an issue, of dealing with issues.

I haven't always been all so positive. Or try to turn things around. I was quite young when my parents divorced and it didn't go without struggles. It did also add to it that I was getting bullied at school and was not doing well getting demotivated, not knowing what course I was good at. Story made short, I have had my moments in the past where I felt like just giving up. Almost every job, school and internships turned out into a confidence killer. I was the social awkward one too shy to approach someone and I had no goal in life.

Eventually I found a course that I enjoyed doing. I was one of the oldest students which was an insecurity of mine but enjoying what I did now, I learned I could help and teach others what I knew. The internships were great and I was one of the six worldwide to be trained in one of the best worldwide agencies in my branche. At school I was told by many (students) I was lucky. I had it easy because I had a talent for this thing. While I just believe in the fact that if you do what feels right and are determined to trow all your effort in it, you will get there.

I would be lying if I would say I am not afraid of the future. I just lived on my own in another country while doing my last internship and I can look forward to getting a job and eventually moving out. My transition is getting closer also and before you know it I will be getting hormones. All are big steps and it is pretty scary all together, but also exciting. But as long as I cannot get a job (struggling with that one), it feels like I am making no progress in life at all.

How I gotten to this subject? At the hospital my psychologist told me it is rare that nothing came out of a three hour lasting test. Not any issues, difficulties or maybe some depression. Sure, I could be sad and depressive but I rather look at where I am at now, what I want to achieve and what I am going for. I rather think about the positive things in life.

Be you

Not like anyone reads this blog but maybe one day people will. My English is a bit crappy and I talk pretty scatter brained, because I am. So.. well, we will see.

It is normal to have negative thoughts, insecurities and bad feelings. You wonder how everything will turn out and although you see some nice before and afters online. You also see some lesser results which might sound like a rude thing to say but you would just close your eyes and sugar coat if you didn't see the negative either.

One thing I have started to notice though. In general people close-by are supportive. Others you do not know are quite narrow minded. Maybe it is an ego speaking just as how many men act totally homophobic but if they know someone who is gay, they are often fine with it.
Being transgender it is often the same, but because someone cannot always directly tell, another factor plays a part of it. Transgenders who look very masculine while very pass-able transgenders are seen as interesting.

You do not know what hormones will do to you. They are no magic pill and from what I recall other transgenders saying is that you yourself don't even see the difference. What it will do though is change your feelings.
I cannot speak from experience but from reading a lot and common sense. Your sexuality does not change, your emotions don't change. But you do show your emotions easier. It isn't without reason that most men are very sexual and women are more emotional. It is in our systems and even our anatomy. The other day I read a woman her (wait let me Google this up), lacrimal sac, alright, is positioned differently than a man so the tears roll onto your cheeks faster.

I do have my pictures online, but not on here. I rather be anonymous on this blog. I am tall, I feel like I got pretty broad shoulders and I am not on hormones yet. The only make-up I wear is a little eye-liner but even so I see changes, and get mistaken while outside.

When I first started to experiment to call it like such, I felt hideous, ugly and insecure. I have been laughed at, called names and other situations which were not exactly a boost for anyones self-esteem. You can hear people talk behind your back (I wonder if people think I am deaf?) and even in Amsterdam where they say people are so open minded. Which is not true at all.

Afterwards it was because I tried too hard. I wore certain clothes just to look more feminine. I wore more make-up than needed and most of all, I was afraid to go out like that.

When I wear what makes me feel best no matter if it is masculine or feminine, it shouldn't matter. It is about developing as a human and not to become the ideal image of a woman. The more confidence I carry the better I go out and am approached. I want to stop trying to be what society tells you what you should be. Either dressed as a man or woman or either.

Guy mode

When you talk with other transgenders it often goes about when someone goes full-time, you have a guy mode and a girl mode and depending on the situation you can be either.

Like as for me, I could say I had a guy mode, and am now in girl mode. To me it feels as if I am playing a videogame to call it as such and honestly never seen it like that. I always have been myself and just instead of standing, acting and talking as how I thought I had do, to be accepted. I let my body take over and decide what feels natural.

Eventually I noticed that small things would make the differ wither people would see me as a woman, or a man. Nail polish, certain clothes and some make-up already does the trick.

Hair length clearly does a big part of it to be seen as a woman. I wear skinny jeans now and different kind of clothes. T-shirts with a feminine cut. Before I knew it my 'guy mode' turned into 'girl mode'.

I do see a lot of transgenders who seem to wear clothes to be pass-able. Trans men wearing awfully baggy clothes as if there is no one left in it and trans women wearing bright red lipstick with high heels. It doesn't help you to get trough. If anything you will only draw attention and be picked on.

Pass-able, pass-ability, whatever. In the end it isn't all that important. I do just want to be accepted, be myself and stop being annoyed by shallow minded people.