What happened?

I am good at pretending. I know most think I am a terrible liar and really, I hope they keep on thinking so :P. But if you think about it I already know about my little gender twist when I was way younger. Then again, I never really thought too much about it either.

Yes, I played with lego and cars, but also with barbies and my little pony. My sister had dressed me up once which felt like fun and although back then my best friend was a boy, I felt more at ease when playing with girls. Till I felt I had to toughen up because I was getting bullied and feeling depressive.

I learned to push my feelings so far away that I could not even remember them before. When I have to talk about my youth nowadays I really have to dig deep to remember what actually happened. Where I was with my thoughts.

A few years ago all I still felt from my youth was a constant stressful feeling, migraines and illnesses. Not even knowing what the cause was.

With my transition which had already started before HRT, not just my appearance and behavior changed, but also my thoughts and feelings. I allowed myself to remember why I used to feel hurt, and to feel it again. To overcome it this time. I started to allow myself to cry and to catch up from all I had been cropping up by watching lots of tearjerking movies.

In the end the hormones never gave me any negative symptoms, not a single one. But I do feel changes.

I feel calmer. It might be a bit of TMI but a guy has a high libido and while living on testosterone even if you don't want to, you feel it. It always annoyed be. That urge that is just.. always there. Men seem to like it, I hated it. Now, finally.. it is gone.
It does make me wonder what the future will bring if I would find a partner, because my libido seems to be non existent. Maybe it just works in a different way now.

HRT should have given me mood swings, or so my family told me. I always had a bit of those but maybe I now know how that works. When I am happy, I am really, really happy. When I am annoyed I am pissed off and when I feel sad I feel broken. These emotions can swap within moments. One moment I am crying so badly and not even really knowing why and the next I am laughing and feeling so very happy.

Although I can already feel my body is changing, I do not see the changes. In a month I doubt anything should be visible anyway. But the changes are there. As an example, I smell better. Now I remember another trans girl once told me this and I thought it was bullshit. Really? Well, yes, really. My scent used to be awful but now I am the first to smell anything and others around me quickly realized this too. Not sure how happy I am with this.
I feel filled a lot faster. I eat less but seem to gain weight faster. Now this can also just be at first because your body has to stabilize but I eat 2/3 of what I use to instead, but gotten 3 kilo in one month. Luckily I planned on working out as soon as my body gotten used to HRT anyhow.

Changes, changes! So far it is pretty exciting and am happy to learn of what the time will bring :D!