What happened?

I am good at pretending. I know most think I am a terrible liar and really, I hope they keep on thinking so :P. But if you think about it I already know about my little gender twist when I was way younger. Then again, I never really thought too much about it either.

Yes, I played with lego and cars, but also with barbies and my little pony. My sister had dressed me up once which felt like fun and although back then my best friend was a boy, I felt more at ease when playing with girls. Till I felt I had to toughen up because I was getting bullied and feeling depressive.

I learned to push my feelings so far away that I could not even remember them before. When I have to talk about my youth nowadays I really have to dig deep to remember what actually happened. Where I was with my thoughts.

A few years ago all I still felt from my youth was a constant stressful feeling, migraines and illnesses. Not even knowing what the cause was.

With my transition which had already started before HRT, not just my appearance and behavior changed, but also my thoughts and feelings. I allowed myself to remember why I used to feel hurt, and to feel it again. To overcome it this time. I started to allow myself to cry and to catch up from all I had been cropping up by watching lots of tearjerking movies.

In the end the hormones never gave me any negative symptoms, not a single one. But I do feel changes.

I feel calmer. It might be a bit of TMI but a guy has a high libido and while living on testosterone even if you don't want to, you feel it. It always annoyed be. That urge that is just.. always there. Men seem to like it, I hated it. Now, finally.. it is gone.
It does make me wonder what the future will bring if I would find a partner, because my libido seems to be non existent. Maybe it just works in a different way now.

HRT should have given me mood swings, or so my family told me. I always had a bit of those but maybe I now know how that works. When I am happy, I am really, really happy. When I am annoyed I am pissed off and when I feel sad I feel broken. These emotions can swap within moments. One moment I am crying so badly and not even really knowing why and the next I am laughing and feeling so very happy.

Although I can already feel my body is changing, I do not see the changes. In a month I doubt anything should be visible anyway. But the changes are there. As an example, I smell better. Now I remember another trans girl once told me this and I thought it was bullshit. Really? Well, yes, really. My scent used to be awful but now I am the first to smell anything and others around me quickly realized this too. Not sure how happy I am with this.
I feel filled a lot faster. I eat less but seem to gain weight faster. Now this can also just be at first because your body has to stabilize but I eat 2/3 of what I use to instead, but gotten 3 kilo in one month. Luckily I planned on working out as soon as my body gotten used to HRT anyhow.

Changes, changes! So far it is pretty exciting and am happy to learn of what the time will bring :D!

Nuttin, nada

One week has passed while I started with hormones.

First the pills were just laying there. I never doubted that I really want this, but it is such a life changing decision that you surely have some thoughts going trough your mind. I did worry. How will it work, will it even work? Will it have negative side effects?

So far.. nothing, nada. When you read online about hormones you read drastic side effects. Everything changes, almost instantly! Like a magic pill but a little different. Maybe there are changes but how do I know whether my emotions are acting up, or if the HRT is doing some work?

The only real noticeable point is that I feel calmer. That constant stressful feeling in my stomach seems to have mostly disappeared and now I got moments where I can really just relax. Honestly, I never could do that.

All with all, of course only a week has passed but so far I feel little to nothing. If someone had given me hormones in secret, I wouldn't even have known.

Alright! One week has passed! The full results are usually there around two years. Patience.. patience..

Drama aside

Alright, sure, a full-time job would be nice and everyone already seeing me as a woman that would be awesome too. One step at a time and a huge step luckily just been taken :D!

After two years of waiting to even start with therapy, going to London for a while, talking with someone once a month for a year and oversleeping when I finally could get my hormones (I only oversleep when I really, really shouldn't. Like when I have to catch the train from London to the Netherlands, when starting with hormones or what else might comes in the future). I finally could come in and get my hormones.

Of course plenty happens other than just picking up some medicines. I wasn't allowed to eat or drink (except water) till 1pm. Followed by having seven tubes of blood tapped from me. I never been so happy to eat some bread.

A lot of forms to fill in and questions to answer. Measurements were taken. I now finally know I am 188cm tall instead of 187, 190 or maybe 191 and someone was so friendly to help me out with how I officially can change my gender and name, which is awesome ^^.

The 4th of December will be the day I am starting with hormones and I am excited and nervous at the same time.

As time goes

Let me write something down, which I know no one ever reads anyway. Yup, the blog was shared on Facebook and I am glad but I got the feeling not many got to the point to actually read it.

That can be good, actually, but it is also hard to reach people. Speaking my mind, without destroying the mood. I still struggle with the way how people pronounce me but I feel bad constantly opening my mouth about it. It ruins the mood so I rather just only ruin my own and that it does.

That is the thing. I can pretend it all isn't that bad, but I would be lying. Why would I lie on my own blog?

If you look at, as an example, gay people. Wherever you go the word 'Gay' usually means a negative thing. What a gay situation, don't act so gay, that is so gay. Gay men often feel offended by this but because the majority of the people do this it is hard to make it disappear, and many don't realize how hurting it can be either, even if they do not have anything against gay people.

Back at high school it was a trend for all the 'cool' kids to add cancer in their sentences. Cancer this, cancer that. The majority did this so the others quickly took over. Till a boy lost his mother because of cancer and everyone realized how they broke him every time they said the word. In a really short time that word was forced out of their system because they knew how hurting it was to him.

The other day I was at a party of a friend of mine. I do not know if she told her friends anything about me but if anything, I trust her and whatever it was or nothing, I felt it was fine. I felt no urge of having to prove myself and went there feeling I could just be me. There everyone addressed me as a woman and also acted in such a way to me. No awkwardness giving a hug and me not feeling the slightly bit insecure about dancing. I could just be me and the party was awesome. The one time a guy addressed me with he, he quickly changed that to she. Because the majority said she and thus others take over.

If you lived your whole life as a guy then it isn't a weird thing the majority sees you as one and needs time to remove it from the system. But then again, also because many do not see how much it is needed.

It isn't like it wasn't a problem before. It isn't like I wanted to be a guy at first and just now feel the need to life differently. It is that I just never realized till only recently that I can make the change. I hated it I was told that boys don't cry. Boys need to toughen up. Make-up is wrong and being tall is good because the girls like that. Working out at the gym and having your body change is awesome and everyone acted so positive about it. When my hair was too long, I should trim it because it didn't suit me. I didn't wanted to disappoint anyone.. but it has always bothered me. It isn't without reason that I started to get migraines, or that I always felt stressful inside, or that I couldn't cry or know how to deal with emotions. Whenever it came to close I quickly pushed it away again.

Everything was cropped inside, and now I let it out. I allow myself to feel hurt about what hurts me and instead of running from it I face it and change it, but with that also comes it is easier to hurt me.

I wish I could just switch that off, but I can't. It doesn't change how I feel about someone. As an example my sister has always called me her little brother. I know she has not a single thought of harm behind that and whenever something troubles me, I easily talk with her about it. But it does sting to hear just that. I don't want to force a change but I cannot wait for that much longer anymore either.

Give it a name

Gosh, so many terms, so many theories and no one really seems to know what is what. You wanted to know what is what? Here is your own documentary!

First things first though. Everything written down is from what I read in the past and personal experience. I did not keep wikipedia right next of it and even although most terms speak for themselves, a lot are opinion based also.

Lets start with the most common one. No, you probably never heard of it. But where everyone might has their own name for people like me; weird, unique, trans, travo, cross-dresser, gay. We also got a name for you. You... probably cis gendered person.

Cis is just another way of naming the usual/normal way. Born in a certain gender and identity and comfortable with it. Just when you talk about transgenders and 'normal/usual' people, it can be considered as pretty rude. So we use the term, Cis.

Someone who is Cis can be gay, lesbian, bi, or pansexual.

Gay, you feel attracted to a male identity and most likely male sex.

Lesbian, attracted to a female identity and most likely female sex.

Bisexual means you feel attracted to both men and women while as Pansexual means the same but then it really doesn't matter if someone has a male or female sex, identity, unisex, queer, or whatever other names are out there. Pansexual means you feel attracted really purely for who someone is as a person.

But wait! You also got straight! And that rhymed, cheesy. Anyhow, straight can also still be confusing. If you consider yourself to be a little bit more open minded and agree that your gender is not between the legs but in the brains, are you considered gay when with a pre-op (before sexual reassignment surgery) male to female transgender? You can fill in for yourself when someone is considered straight.

Personally I see straight as when you have a clear preference to the opposite gender and do not bend far from that. No matter what you look like, how you act, if you wear certain clothes or if you like to experiment in bed.

These are all sexualities and transgender is often mistaken with a sexuality. Well, it is not. A transgender can have any of the above sexualities and is the same as a Cis-gendered person. The only difference is that a transgender does not feel comfortable with their born sex and the identity they have to live with.

Although, transgender still can be split up in many different branches. Now, don't get me wrong. In most cases a transgender is not happy at all to be called a drag-queen, travestite, or anything non gender specified. But in many cases someone decides not to transition, but to live their life the way their were born, and only let out their feelings every once in a while.

For the one it is a let-out, the other it is an enjoyable, creative act. A travestite is basically a dressed up man looking like a woman. Drag-queens take it a step further and often wear heavy make-up. Drag-queens are in most cases men dressing up as women. You also have Drag-kings. The other way around. This although is far less common.

The more innocent shape and form of the above two goes by the term cross-dresser. Of course it can't just be simple because even this is opinion related. When you wear clothes of your opposite identity, then you cross-dress. Then again, an, as an example, female to male transgender who still presents as female, is basically cross-dressing. But to keep it simple, a man wearing female clothes and the other way around, is a cross-dresser.

If you take that a bit further to the perverted side, you get sissies. Each their own really but lets not talk too long about it because it is so not my thing..at all. Men who read this and in their spare time enjoy wearing as slutty clothes as possible with high heels for sexual arousal, are sissies. But yea, each their own!

Because in general the sex industry is focussed on men it is easier to find something related to their needs. It is said many men do watch gay porn and there are ones who cannot fully open to that desire and seek it elsewhere. Searching for she-males. She-male is basically a direct insult and the porn version of a transgender.

Each their own, but if you want to come across with a she-male it is best to go to Thailand. Tell a transgender it is a plus and you most likely insult them.

All those genders.. sexualities, it is complicated. Even while writing this I am confusing myself. Like.. straight. I know I am straight, and since my identity is female, that means I feel attracted to men. Then again, at the moment I am still a biological man. But, then again! If I were a biological male wouldn't my brain also function like one? Wait.. what.. stop. Not even going there. Confusing.

Just be open minded and straight-flexible, or pansexual. There! Problem solved.

Anyway! There are also people who do not fit a label. Unisex or androgynous. The latter is mostly used because unisex is also used for objects. Nowadays androgynous is very well known in the world of photography and fashion.

Now someone can live androgynous and have no gender identity, wearing either kind of clothes and in many cases you can't tall if you got a man or woman in front of you. Many young children are in fact androgynous. Let a young boy grow his hair long and especially with his young voice he will be often seen as a girl and the opposite a girl can have short hair for the same results.

Usually the way of addressing isn't such a big deal. Or it is but at this point of life not big enough to mention. As for me I noticed that even though I hadn't told it yet, I disliked being called a dude, man or even when someone spoke about me as a he. But even now in front of people I know I feel uneasy referring myself with she. Instead of either genders I learned you can also talk without ever mentioning a gender. Just don't add the gender at the end of your sentences and instead of saying he or she, say their or simply the persons name.

Some people would love you for that actually. Gender-queers are often androgynous but one day they feel more feminine, the other more masculine. One day they are a he the other time a she but the queers I spoke with before often are not a fan of any and prefer 'their'.

Oh, and some might confuse unisex and transgenders with hermaphrodites. A hermaphrodite was born with both a male and female sex and thus is a whole different story. Cis but not exactly Cis. Not transgender either and well.. I don't know. You just learned a lot new terms so you can fill it in for yourself.

Again, the above is what I read before and my opinions. Not everyone sees it this way which I understand. Does it really matter anyway? Just ask someone in a respectful way what they prefer if you do not know already and in the end we are all weird in our own ways. No matter what label someone else gave you.

Yo, dude!

With a blog named; different perspectives, it is funny that also my own perspective has changed.

I read trough my own blog and beside correcting some very choppy English (it still ain't perfect), I noticed I used to not mind so much to be addressed as a guy. I am swapping genders and was not born as a girl. But did want to become one.

Just.. the more I think about who I really am and always have been the more I realize there is more to it than just that.

It finally sinked in that everyone in my private life accepts me for who I am  and I couldn't thank everyone enough. No one said a negative thing or at least I have never heard one.

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Even although I am already changing for two years now and try to keep my chin up wherever I go and whoever I talk with, I still feel a bit insecure. I am afraid of reactions and try to play it in safe mode. Meaning that I do not wear too feminine clothes, to much make-up and no nail polish. I keep my voice as of how people know me, just slightly lighter and I also address myself as a he.

Many might think, but you still are? Honestly, I thought the same. You change sex after surgery but I came to the conclusion that it lays a little deeper than that.

The brain is who you are, what controls your whole body. Sure people can be mentally disabled but I can function perfectly fine. It is my body that is incorrectly and handicapped. My body doesn't fit my brains and to many, that makes me a guy. Could it be though, that the gender is just in the brains and not between your legs?

That would clash with so many theories and also religions. But trust me that I have browsed the internet long enough on this matter that no matter what someones religion is, christian, muslim, jewish or what else, in the end most take the step to transition and find a way to hold on to their believes to feel loved and accepted while others with the same believe might still be fully against it. There is no right or wrong. Believe what you want, be happy with who you are, and respect others for wanting to do the same.

The other day I read an article about a mom who cut off her sons penis when he was asleep (well, he surely woke up straight after) and although you can't compare that with any surgery. He lost his sex. Even so I doubt he woke up the next morning with the sudden urge to put on make-up, wear a dress and present as a woman. He most likely feels like a handicapped man, just as how the other way around I feel like a handicapped girl.

I always told myself that when I start my hormone therapy, I will make the swap. The thing is, there is no swap. No matter if I use my masculine voice, grow out a beard or if I would stand 7ft tall. I still feel like a woman from the inside. No matter if I have long hair, wear the perfect outfits and would become a female role model. Everyone who has known me presenting myself as a guy, will still also see the old me.

It is noticeable that sometimes people expect certain answers from me. To tell how to deal with it but I really can't tell you. This is as unusual for me as it is for you. The only thing I can do is being open about it and to not force anything upon you. The only thing I would like to ask is to address me and see me as for who I am, not for who I pretended to be for many years. It is the small things that do it. A few days ago someone corrected another calling me by the wrong name. Or when someone kisses you on the cheek as a greeting at a party while you thought that may was inappropriate at first.

Shortly put, it feels hurting to be addressed as the guy I try to leave behind me. I realize this doesn't change over night and don't expect this either. But for the ones waiting for me to 'swap', that will never happen. I can only ask from you to do that swap yourself.

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I decided to share this on Facebook because some seem to worry, or are curious. Which of course is fine. I although do not like to talk about it all that often because I am more than just a transgender. I won't put my name out here or post pictures because the url is also known on several fora, and I rather be anonymous.

Although if you now have been reading this and wonder what my name change has been, it is simply my old name minus the N. Or just use the short version of my name :D!

Them feels.

Whats new?? I posted an image on Facebook saying that I am swapping genders! Something I was so nervous about. The image was already done and ready for a moment but being afraid of possible reactions I waited with posting it.

Now it is out there and I didn't realize it at first. I prepared for the worst and even asked a dear friend of mine to be the first to reply to it because if the first person says something negative, it could turn into a discussion and a lot of negativity. That is what I was afraid of.

Much story, such feels. I never really cared much about my emotions. Well, sure I did but I wouldn't want to show it. I can share plenty of negative situations, stories and everything but I rather just say how everything is fine instead of soaking in negativity and dragging others down with me

As my looks and behavior has changed, so have my emotions. With time it became easier to shed a tear but even so I wouldn't ever show it it anyone. Although this is getting better I was still so nervous to show everyone what really has been going on.

The message on Facebook was very easy going and casually. I wanted it to come across as no big deal. But in reality I sit here with tears in my eyes while writing this. It means so much to me to see how everyone is so supportive.